For the most part, it’s true what people say… that your teenage years are going to be the most influential parts of your life. And it’s where your foundation into adulthood really does start to take shape.
Of all the people I’ve encountered in my life, I’ve still kept in touch with, and are still very connected to, the people that I had spent a lot time with while in high school. The times after that only helped bring into focus, and perspective of everything else in the world, and real life. But the morals, the values, and the sense of self-identity, comes out strongly …there…at that moment in our lives….it’s where we start asking ourselves “where do I fit in? What makes me, well, me? Who do I want/see myself to be?”, to yourself and to the people around you.
Of course at that stage, we’re navigating without a compass, and it’s definitely a blinded journey for the most part. Until we get a bit wiser over the years and begin to hold solidified ideas of our views.
Seeing people who I’ve spent so much with and so many memories with always put a smile on my face. Especially, the people who were and still are, passionate and very driven in what they loved to do…acting, modeling, music, art, teaching, coaching…the list goes on. And talking to them now, as we’re older, is just…remarkable… and makes me very happy to see that.
Experiencing that and swapping stories to catch up is absolutely wonderful. Those who still perform, and are in the arts, inspire me back as an artist. And I love that feeling of exchange and overwhelming feelings of the process when listening to them perform, reading their messages, talking them and etc.
Sorry, I know this is a bit silly. But it’s a significant thought in my mind and it’s fun to share it.
I have a pretty decent start to a few pages of my story already…Trying to write as much as I can in between practicing guitar, and working out after work. I’m hoping I’ll have sometime this weekend to just do nothing but write until I’m completely done. This story has been sitting in my draft folder for months…actually, almost over a half a year. It wants to be heard, and it’s nagging me to be written. I have a huge awesome playlist of music to keep me going until I’m done which is nice.
To me, music is everything, especially when it comes to the creative process. I get inspired by other people, by their ability, and passion. (Mainly the metal genre of course..definitely first and foremost a metalhead before a raver lol. The musical arrangements just intrigue me so much and keeps my head in a focused mindset.)
So by tomorrow I’m hoping to get at least 4 pages done. That will be my realistic goal. Ideally, I’d like it to be a bit more. But we’ll see. Most likely I’ll type part of it on my ipod touch while on the train ride to and from work.
it’s been a week since I participated in the Spartan Race. The event itself was an unbelievable experience, in which I plan on participating in similar races for the future. Now that I know what to expect.
Even if not for the event…Just being out in the open air, and away from technology, away from civilization, and being in the woods. Was liberating. Like every time, whenever I’d go somewhere… without a thought, reason, had no idea where I’d end up, and without a plan… The feeling of the unknown and just …freedom…absolute freedom. From the mind, to the body, to even spiritually. I felt nothingness, and was completely happy.
I think I’ll go back next week, or do a rucksack hike if allowed by my athletic trainer…if not, I’ll take a nice long walk somewhere, sit down somewhere secluded and outside, and just write my story in my notebook until I’m done.
Write Novella and publish. Write and write.
As much as I love my many hobbies and participation in many arenas of life and all its wonderful, and twisted offerings…
More specifically, one that I’m very fond of in the realm of the “Alternative Lifestyle.”
I don’t think the general population quite understands how much attention, care, and crucial patience it takes when dealing in this sort of community, or lifestyle. Just because the media has made it pretty seductive and alluring through books like “50 Shades of Gray,” or in scenes like “Game of Thrones” (where Joeffrey forced one of the female prostitutes to be beaten with a leather belt, and then a wooden banister), that’s not how people interact.
Although acts like that do exist, it must be consensual, and to a very monitored degree. There are mannerisms, and a sort of etiquette that rules over this community. But that is another story…
The one portraying the Dominant must always be aware and communicative with their submissive counterpart. And being the Dominant means you need to know how far you are pushing your partner, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Even if you are not domestic/life partners, and it’s only physical…you NEED to understand and KNOW how they tick. It’s your responsibility to your submissive. Also, most people don’t see it this way but the submissive holds the power in the end during any session. They are giving up control and trusting their Dominant but it is the submissive who sets the pace from beginning to end.
Lately, I’ve been asked by 2 acquaintances about how to approach their new acquired (human) pet, and the other, a newly acquired submissive to his D/s polyamorous circle. Both have been very abused, one has a history of domestic abuse, the other has PTSD, and is a young veteran.I’ve had the chance to get acquainted with them…the past week, I’ve done a lot of researching, reading, asking in forums, and reading some more during my free time at work…
Spending time in their head can be very intense, stressful, and frightening at times. And definitely requires a lot of time.
On top of treating them, and then translating the information to their Dominants- this is quite overwhelming especially if I have to teach them on how to approach their submissives. So far it’s been only a week for each…and I think by the end of going through this session, as a favor to their Dominants…I don’t think I’d want to deal with people for a period of time… and just recuperate.
The other day when I went climbing with my climbing/Spartan race partner, a thought came to my mind. I suppose it was more of a memory to be exact.
Mind you, I’m probably one of the worse climbers when I’m on the wall, that I am honest about at the very least. I have no technique whatsoever…but I love the feeling when I’m bouldering, or even once in a while, top-roping on the wall. The process puts you through a thought exercise. The wall is a problem, your goal is to see the pattern, and find the best route for yourself.
When you’re on the wall and actually climbing…you don’t look down, you stay focused on your problem, work through it the best you can until your muscles give in and don’t look back…just keep going.
And that reminded me of when I was a kid going to Columbus park in Chinatown. I was probably like 6 or something…probably younger…actually I was probably 4 or 5 years old at the time since I wasn’t in school and it was right around my knee injury.
My mom took my brother and I to the park on a Saturday, I can still remember the feeling from that day…it was a bit chilly on an autumn day and it was in the late afternoon when the sun began to slowly go down. I was always adventurous, curious, and daring for my own good…of course I got myself into a bit of a situation when I decided to climb up this tall tower that had a fire pole…There was no way down except the pole, or jumping down from the different levels of platforms…I was having a lot of fun going up…and didn’t think about the height factor…I should’ve mentioned this in the beginning that I have a huge fright of heights…I really do…I’ll start quivering (that’s how bad it is).
By the time I reached the very top, I shouted out to my mom to show her how brave I was to reach the top. It was getting dark, and she saw me and shouted for me to get down so we could go home. I approached the fire pole and was about to slide down…only having to have realized I was really high up.
Instinctually, I backed up to the middle of the platform and freaked out…My mom yelled at me to hurry up and I told her I couldn’t…and just froze. I forgot how long I was stuck up there….but I remembered at some point, she had some nice middle-aged man come get me down. She disciplined me, since I could’ve hurt myself…and that it freaked her out…as a parent would feel so in her shoes. Quite understandable. Then she said something to me along the lines of, “Have you learned your lesson now? Are you going to do it again? I hope this scared you enough not to try something scary like that ever again!”
Of course that never really stuck…as the adventurous, curious, and mischievous person that I am.
Which brings me to tie in another memory of my first climb in NJ with my ex. Granted we were good friends….and talked periodically…and could always count on one another for god knows whatever reason it was…we just got along extremely well, minus the whole breakup and mess that I won’t get into. Despite our problems, I was always able to trust her…so when it came to her belaying me on my first climb…it took me about 20 something times to get up my first wall…I was freaking out badly…but knew once I was on it, I had to keep going forward…It helped knowing she was holding my rope. But I learned something out of the whole experience as well…I needed to cut her loose. And we both needed that to move forward. For both of oursake. And we did…Never looked back and definitely a huge relief these days.
I don’t know if it makes sense to anyone else…but it does in my head…and I just wanted to share the thought…or at least the way it processed in my head.
Him: Hey You…yea its been years really.
got into a long term relationship but then we broke up and ended up back on here. How you’ve been?
Me: Wow you… in a long term relationship?? Scary. If I remember correctly, that wasn’t your thing back then. Sorry to hear about the breakup. I hope it was at least mutual.
I’ve been doing well. Still working crazy hours and single (by choice) since the last time we spoke. I’m seeing someone periodically but have mainly been polyamorous the past few years.
Him: scary, is that what you think of them? LOL
But yes, it was journey that came to a halt in March…and recently we been seeing each other again. Not sure whats going to happen since there are many issues that need to be worked on.
Back then I was definitely not looking to get into one.
I’m glad to hear you’re doing well Donna. yes I do remember your name…I think I still have your number too. So had a few “friend’s with benefits” type of relationships?
Me: Coming from you…yes actually lol.
Ah, gotcha. Hey if there’s still a spark between you two and you can manage to work through it together and compromise, go for it.
Ha! Thanks. I didn’t forget your name either. It’s been quite the while. Nah, I can’t do “friends with benefits”. They’re people I’ve slept with and meet up once in a while for coffee to catch up on life with. More like lovers to be exact. I’m too emotionally numb to deal with relationships even though it’s been 5 - 6 years since my last breakup.
Him: It’s been increasingly difficult to make any progress…a part of me is so exhausted and over it. So we’ll see how it goes. In the meantime I’ve been trying to enjoy my freedom but I too have been working like crazy and going to school.
Being numb is good sometimes, you’re immune to things especially the emotionally
side. But I guess there are some downsides to that too. Lovers huh, sounds like you’ve been having some good fun.
Me: That’s definitely good. Self-preservation is very important before you get yourself involved with anyone else. Any it’s even more important to take care of your mental state after going through emotional rollercoasters.
haha, yes. Being emotionally numb is good at times when you know you can’t get burned further more than you already are. But when someone peaks your interest, it makes things a bit awkward because you’re not sure how to approach the situation without being seen as distant or too serious.
As in terms of the lovers part, I suppose. Not as fun as it sounds. More out of convenience and that they’re interesting enough for me to keep them around, rather than one night stands. I like their company. Lately I’ve been sticking to only one lover though.