Out of the blue, I decided to see if one of my Xanga journals was still active…and if they had closed down my account since I haven’t written in it for almost 4 years. I’ve kept maybe about 12 journals online and had about 4 physical ones…I know it sounds weird but I was particular about which one I wanted to write in depending on how I felt. Anyway, I found out Xanga was shut down for a while and is making a comeback with a 2.0. I’ve had the journal since I was in middle school. It was my counselor’s idea to try writing things out, which I have to admit worked, and it really did help me keep my sanity for a very long time.
I was surprised I still remember my passwords….my logins were always the same …I’m bad with these things. After getting in, I was a bit confused about the new layout but it wasn’t a problem. I was still able to access my photos and had to download my old entries and reupload them to wordpress. That’s their new thing now. The good thing is, I actually have a Wordpress journal too.
So while going through these entries….I figured it wouldn’t hurt to reorganize them a bit…and I came across some very old photos of family, friends, and of course…..the ex fiance. I don’t like to talk about her much and I never really mention her name anymore. It’s still very painful to think about what happened afterwards when we were just friends, and she just went MIA…..again….It’s funny reading through this particular journal entry a few days after she decided to break up with me. At the time, my insomnia had developed very badly into what it is today, and I wrote in shorthand since I wasn’t sure when I was about to blackout from exhaustion but wanted to keep writing as consciously as possible while awake. So please excuse the horrible writing style. Re-reading this from a clean perspective, I can still hear the anger in me.
I don’t understand how you’re upset at me? You’ve been seeing other people that you’re interested in for a while now and that’s what you’ve said to me. I’ve always been understanding and caring about ur wishes, and i’ve put up with so much from you. You’re upset with me because I hooked up with a woman from a bar and she called me back. I mentioned i was not interested in her that way. I don’t intend to do anything with her or anyone and i only went out that night cuz i was and still am coping without you and i was sad and depressed because i missed having someone to want me. you didn’t want me anymore remember? how was i supposed to cope? i havent gone to school for 3 days,missed 2 days of work and classes because i was emotionally wrecked while you were seeing other people. i and hadn’t eaten either that entire time and was sick to even think. i finally find closure when u told me face to face.
i’ve done everything for you and cared for you for a really long time. and you found the relationship to be static, yet really don’t know why you are didn’t want to see me anymore, and broke up. ok, point taken. but don’t blame it on me. i haven’t done anything wrong to you besides only wanting closure. i spent so much time worrying about how u felt and was always devoted to u and flew out to see u when u were in hawai’i, not once but 3 times, including LA for a week and having to go thru being stranded there for 3 days with u being upset when i was stuck there with alex. who would’ve crazy enough to do that for someone? who would’ve spent that much and go so far? i went against my parents wishes with everything i’ve done for you. so how can u be upset at me because of that?
u r my best friend. despite the things that are going on even now, u will always be one of my best friends. and i don’t hate you for being upset at me, i only want to understand. and i’ve said it time and time again, i don’t know what you want from me. you give me mixed signals a lot and i can only handle so much. and you dont know how painful it feels to have someone u love to ditch u. i’ve been very supportive and was happy for you to be doing all those things and having fun. i dont want to date or jump into another relationship, but i do miss having someone to hold, to kiss, and just to cuddle with that’s not a friend, and i need that in my life. u didn’t want to give me that, so what was i supposed to do? i couldn’t handle being alone, and i needed comfort somehow and that’s the only way i know.
Besides that, my day was actually pretty alright. started out pretty shitty but it ended on a good note. my mom and i talked a lot on sunday and we’ve been talking about what i was going to do after graduation next year. i asked her if i got a job outside new york, in the tristate area, would it be alright to move out. she said yes..and i was shocked. she said she’d come visit me and i could come home weekends to see the family….obviously i had things in mind like living near public transportation and in a lgbt community or a college town cuz it’s safer than …well……the less decent areas…..plus it’ll be around the night life so if i decide not to go home for that weekend i can party there. i can’t deal with new york after i get out of school anymore….and i need to grow on my own and explore what’s out there. lately i’ve been networking with a lot people and getting a bigger view on what’s out there. so for now, i’m most likely going to move next summer probably, if not then the following fall. new york will still be home for me and i’d like to see all my friends when im home. i need the opportunity to work and prioritize my life. and i like being around people. i’ve had a great time the other day meeting all those lgbt people from rhode island, the d.c. area, and mass.
i believe i don’t have any classes on friday cuz my professors cancelled, which is great! i can go workout then get a hair cut then go back to school to workout a bit more and shower, go shopping for new clothes, then get ready for the BDSM workshop by Kristina, and then go out to hangout with Diana and Mo at either the boxcar or at Henrietta’s cuz Diana was bummed out that she missed out last friday and she wanted to meet some people. i won’t stay long tho cuz i have to be home by midnight the latest.
Arelys is back home for a week i think or actually 2 weeks for her springbreak from work. YAY! i miss her. we might be hanging out with our old friends from high school and some of her friends from John Jay. I got nothing for saturday so i told her i just gotta talk to my mom about it and have Arelys talk to her. I haven’t been sleeping at all, maybe a few hours here and there and naps….i’ve been thinking a lot and that’s pretty much what i’ve been doing, instead of hw and what not. I have to ask Trevor what my schedule is like for springbreak bc i have to go to the zoo and the AMNH for physical anthro lab and i’m leaving most likely thurs morning for D.C. and coming back sat morning/early afternoon. I asked aubrie if she could meet up with us those nights and she said to give her a call… she gave me a few good places to check out at night. should be fun. As for Jill, I’ll call her and see if she’s busy, but i’m not going to bother too much with her. It’s more like hey, i’m in town, let’s hangout. which is cool, cuz she’s a cool person who’s very passionate about her job and i admire that. besides that she’s a good kisser and gorgeous, i don’t see anything that can happen, so i won’t spend that much energy on her. I just want to be able to enjoy meeting more people. It gets really lonely half the times, so i try compensate as much as possible….and it’s hard when your stuffed animal doesn’t hug back to comfort. but i’m a survivor and i’ve learned from many years of heart aches and break ups that, the world doesn’t stop, and just take it a day at a time and look on the bright side as much as possible.
i’m always trying to find peace within myself and peace with the outside world…..and it’s hard when u get pulled in so many directions….but at least i know what i want in life and when im determined, i dont think twice to achieve it. all i can do right now is think and be social, because i care about people, and i am a very social person most of the time and i make people feel confident and great about themselves most of the time….i don’t ask much for myself….and i don’t ask for much…..i work really hard to be an obedient daughter, a good person, a caring friend, a devoted lover, a dedicated worker, and a good student. but i have so much internal conflict all the time and it’s hard when they all clash.
Fast forward some years later….and right before my birthday last year, when she had gone MIA for 3 months. We had made plans to hangout after the whole hurricane Katrina disaster and already set in the day. I just wanted to confirm we were still hanging out and moving her stuff to a new apartment, if not, then I had backup plans to meet up with other t friends I hadn’t seen in years…..I kept contacting her to get a response but nothing…I got worried and asked if she was okay. No response…So of course it felt weird. I called her little brother to see if she was okay….and ironically she was at their house. I threw my hands up in the air and said “fuck it” …that’s how you treat being a friend. Then out of the blue, I get a nightmare about her coming to my apartment unannounced….Only having to wake up from it…and she had actually sent me a VERY LONG text message:
Hey Donna… I just wanted to let you know… How deeply and truly sorry I am for having ever hurt you the way I did…. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately… And not that it’s any excuse, and not that it would really help explain why I treated you so poorly, but I was seeing a therapist for a while, and I was actually diagnosed with bipolar disorder / manic depression. I’ve been on medication for it for a little while now, and I’m feeling more like Lauren again. I feel more normal. And I feel like I had really done you wrong and hurt you very badly. I know this probably doesn’t help… But I am so very sorry for ever having hurt you…
You are a great, wonderful, kind, and caring person who never deserved to be treated that way. I had no right to do that to you. Let alone having done it twice in our lifetime. I was an idiot. And it was cruel. And I know that I don’t deserve to ever be forgiven for that, but I hope that you don’t ever lose that very special, loving, caring part of you that you showed me so many times. You deserve to give it to somebody else, and deserve the same in return. I was very very sick. And I know that now, how much I hurt you. I didn’t recognize it before, but I do now. It hurts my heart knowing what I did to you, Donna. Shame on me for ever having done that to such a kind soul. You didn’t deserve it. And I wish you nothing but happiness and love in your lifetime.
I never responded. She knows better that I will never accept an apology in writing like that….of all the years we’ve known each other since high school (we went to different schools, she went to Tech, we met through my partner at the time from Bard high school). I mean if she really meant it, and wanted to know I would take her seriously…She should suck up, face her mistakes and apologize in person. I had already accepted the fact that we can’t ever be near each other again for several reasons besides this…and every time I’d get a text from her out of the blue, I’d ignore it. Not worth my time. I got other people who need me.